[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
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Fries, not lies.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
ME (calling my horse with no name):
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Oh. My. God.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I like crazy people until they notice me