look at me when i’m typing to you
You Might Also Like
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue