i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
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I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!