6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
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prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.