I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
You Might Also Like
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
🤣🤣🤣
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.