Pikachu found the lost joint
You Might Also Like
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?