8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
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Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.