The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
You Might Also Like
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?