[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
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I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.