Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
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I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
the last thing a carrot sees
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.