Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
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Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.