Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
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Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty