I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
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With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I only eat vegetarians.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks