[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
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Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Proctology is located in A55
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.