My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
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One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.