pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
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[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Go hard or stay average
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist