Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
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I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates