“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
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What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I am having an out of money experience.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out