when you are just born a rebel
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I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot