Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
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Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands