Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
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[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
no cat here
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.