[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
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new record!
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”