WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
You Might Also Like
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
the greatest twitter interaction
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead