[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
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Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not