i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
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Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings