I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
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Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.