*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
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There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
jesus, what did this guy do
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
The three genders.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Woke up against my better judgment again
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?