Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
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The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Still a very good boi….
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow