I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
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*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
March 16
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”