Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
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Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*