[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
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Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene