does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
You Might Also Like
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*