“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
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“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.