If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
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I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
the clam before the storm
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.