Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
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I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.