Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
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He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.