me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
You Might Also Like
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
early stone age tool
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
*names my little horse OneTrick*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Stonehinge
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????