I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
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just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
can’t talk my ride’s here
sounds kinky. i’m in.
How do dragons blow out candles?
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win