“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
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6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Meow
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”