The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
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As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
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Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t