Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
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I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine