Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
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Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd