I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
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When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Monday?
No. Next question.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
they split up moments later
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place