Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
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I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
synchronized noseblowing
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.