*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
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The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.