unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
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Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.