The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
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Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet