Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
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My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.