When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
You Might Also Like
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
You learn something every day
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
[being buried alive] you missed a spot