Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
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I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.